HOW TO SAVE FOOTBALL FROM ITSELF

A BALL IS ROUND.  THIS IS NOT A BALL

Tuesday, 9:00 AM.  28 degrees F at the ferry dock, 25 on the back porch.  The wind is variable and calm to light.  The sky is covered by a low overcast.  The humidity is 85% and the barometer is steady, at 30.21".  It is a very quiet morning; almost everyone is sleeping in or has departed for sunnier climes.
  The game of football is in grave trouble due to the current crises known as "Deflate Gate," caused by the evidently nefarious deflating of numerous game footballs by the Boston Patriots team to gain advantage during a championship game (and who knows how many other football games).  I seldom comment on the sport because I have insufficient knowledge of it and don't really much care for the game as it has always struck me as one of rather uncertain rectitude.
   You see, a football is not a ball.  It is not spherical.  Its shape can only be defined in terms that a professor of geometry might be able to describe, but only through sufficient complicated equations.
   A ball is round and therefore bounces in ways predetermined by physics.  The so-called 'football" follows no known laws of the universe when it bounces, defying even the mathematics of an Einstein.  For that matter, the "football"has very little to do with feet, except those running around the field with it.  I just saw football great Tony Dorset state on TV that deflating a football has little to do with the outcome of a game because the football isn't really that important to its outcome, which he attributed to running, blocking, strategy, etc.
   My very Lutheran mother would have known what to say about all this; she would have stated in no uncertain terms: "Football is evil because it is living a lie, playing with an object that claims to be a ball but which obviously is not."
   Definitions of words matter in this world we live in, as is seen in the courts of law all the time.  I can see the lawyers arguing this case of national importance before the Supreme Court of the United States, pro and con, ad infinitum and ad nauseum, the party of the first part, the party of the second part, the party down the block. Who has standing, who has to sit down.  Whereas, wherefore, whatever. And in closing argument, the lawyer for the defense says: "Your Honors,  Exhibit A, the so-called "football,"is an object of which it  makes no difference whether it is inflated or not because it is not a ball at all but is rather an absurd contradiction in terms.  I rest my case."  Obviously this issue is not going to be settled in the legal arena.
   So let's look at it from a purely physical point of view.  We have already discussed the football's more than dubious bouncability.  But what of its other characteristics as a game piece?  It is difficult and awkward to throw, specifically because it is not a ball.  And it is extremely difficult to catch for exactly the same reason.  And it is almost impossible to keep in one's possession due to its absurd shape. Just consider how often this ungainly object is "fumbled,' to use the football term for being dropped, because it cannot be held onto.  This certainly does not add to the progress of the game toward a just and reasonable end.
  This discussion leads to the obvious conclusion that the game must be changed to reflect true and traditional American virtues, such as, but not limited to: honesty, sportsmanship, fair play, apple pie and  Chevrolet.
  The "football," itself, that object of dubious nomenclature, must be replaced by a real, incorruptible, perfectly predictable, round ball.
   I have considered soccer balls, basketballs and volley balls, but they are corruptible as well, since they too are inflated with air and could be compromised.  My solution, a perfectly obvious and truly practical one, is to replace the onerous "football" with the All-American baseball.  Think what a fine solution this is, and indeed how it would improve the game of football.
   A baseball can be thrown much farther and with far greater accuracy.
   A baseball can be put in one's pocket, virtually eliminating the nefarious fumble.
   A baseball cannot be deflated, since it contains no air.
   A batted ball would be much more effective for kickoff, punting, point after and field goal, and there would obviously be little incentive to "rough the kicker."
   And the baseball itself has never, to my knowledge, been used in any illegal or unsportsmanlike fashion, much to its credit and to that of the noblest of all American games, that which is its namesake, baseball.
   But what would the game be called,  if a baseball replaced the football?  No need to change the name, since the "football" is not a  ball anyway, it is a nonentity, a fatuous, meaningless word, and may as well be retained for the sake of tradition.