9/21/08 THE TRIAL OF JOHNNY APPLESEED

Sunday, 7:15 AM. 48 degrees, wind E, calm. The channel is slightly wrinkled, the sky is overcast and the barometer predicts sunny skies.
The Johnny Appleseed scarecrow has inspired me to write a tongue-in-cheek account of his trial before the World Environmental Court, Judge Pettyfog Bumble, presiding:
JUDGE BUMBLE: John Chapman, AKA Johnny Appleseed, you have been summoned before this court today from the musty pages of history to stand trial on the charge of Eco-Terrorism for the spreading of an alien species, the apple, throughout the pristine wildernesses of North America. How do you plead?
JOHNNY: Your honor, begging your indulgence sir, all I did was spread the seeds of a highly useful and edible plant, the apple, in places far and wide where people would someday live, and the apple trees were there to greet them when they arrived. Is that any worse than the settlers who brought wheat, rye, barley, peas and other good food plants to the New World to feed themselves and countless others?
JUDGE BUMBLE: Enough of this moralizing nonsense, Mr. Chapman! How do you plead, guilty or not? And we will get to the farmers after we have done with you, because along with the useful plants they also brought noxious weeds and turned prairies and woodlands into cornfields. In your case, Mr. Chapman, these terrible apples, so prone to insects and diseases, and in need of all kinds of toil and expense to grow them, have sprung up as weeds everywhere, forcing native species from their rightful place in the ecosystem.
JOHNNY: Your honor, I am a simple person, and know nothing of ecosystems. But I must plead guilty to being an honest man with the best of intentions, and that my selfless life’s work, without home, wife or children, has resulted in a billion apple pies, millions of gallons of cider, and myriad numbers of my fellow citizens keeping the doctor away by eating one of my apples every day. If that is terrorism, I am guilty of that also. And, I might add, I am in good company, for that greatest of all farmers, Thomas Jefferson, has said, and I quote, “there is no better thing a man can do for his country than introduce a useful new plant to its shores.” Your Honor, I rest my case.
JUDGE BUMBLE: Mr. Chapman, I find you guilty as charged, and your sentence will be pronounced by the highest court of mankind, the court of public opinion. May God (if there is one) have mercy on your soul (if you have one).
So, gentle reader it is up to you. Should poor Johnny suffer at the hands of the revisionist historians, like so many other of our heroes, or should he remain one of the most endearing of our pioneers, and the environmentalists be, ahem, damned?